WHO IS THE GROUNDED WIDOW?
My name is Amy Brockey-Rogers and my journey of self-discovery began on November 18, 2011. This is the day my husband, Michael Brockey, passed away and I got on the ride of widowhood. This was a ride that I got on without choice; one for which I never bought a ticket or stood in line. Mike fought an amazingly couragous battle with metastatic melanoma for three years. He was and always will be my hero. Sadly, the cancer eventually took over and his body left this earth. I was 31 and our girls, Ella and Addison were 3 and 1. The picture to the right was taken just three months before Mike's passing. Living through Mike's death and the year following was a blur. My only goals at that point were to breathe, get out of bed, and feed and care for the girls. Those simple tasks took every ounce of energy I had. Even to write about this now is overwhelming as I look back upon the events that got me to where I am today.
I'd be lying if I said we didn't both know his death was coming. Mike did everything he could to stay here as long as possible. In fact, the day he was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma, we had just found out I was pregnant with Addison, and Dr. Sharfman at Johns Hopkins told him he probably wouldn't get to meet his child. That didn't go over well with us, and we set out to do everything we could to keep him here as long as possible. He wrote a pretty awesome blog, www.smelanoma.com, if you are interested in reading about his story.
This site has been a long time coming - something I've always wanted to create but the timing had to be right for me emotionally. I'm so thankful that Mike kept a blog during his journey - the grim reality is that the girls were so young when he passed, that they won't have many memories of him. Reading his blog when they are older will really give them a sense of who he was. I know this will be instrumental to their healing. I'm hoping the same will be true for this site.
I've spent the past four years fighting to be here, to be present in the moment, to be grateful for every second granted in this life, and most of all, I've made the choice to be happy. After Mike died, a good friend who could probably see that I was a little lost, convinced me to give trail running a try. It was out there in the woods among the mountains and trees that I found myself becoming GROUNDED. At first I think I ran just to feel pain from something else, but then an amazing thing happened......I began to pause and look around, and I realized that despite all the loss and hurt I'd suffered, this life is amazing and I'm so lucky to be here. I can honestly say I've never felt more grateful to be alive. It was then that I realized all the pain was presenting an opportunity, the opportunity for me to become a better version of myself. Taking this opportunity meant I had to learn to embrace all the pain I'd been avoiding - the kind of pain I could feel in my bones and down to my toes. Running helped me realized that I had the strength to do this. Feeling the pain was my only way out; I had to feel it so I could heal. It was a continuous battle to remind myself this was only a temporary place and if I embraced the pain, what was on the other side was going to be worth every moment. Embracing the pain was a leap of faith for me - I closed my eyes, took the leap and never looked back.
Did it take Mike dying for me to realize all of this? Maybe....tragic events in one's life present the opportunity to grow and learn. I'll never understand why Mike died, but I'm sure not going to waste the opportunity to live every second of this life. The girls and I must live our lives, perhaps better than we would have before, because we get the chance to live and Mike doesn't. We know that every breath granted is a gift, not a guarantee.
Weathering this storm has indeed been a journey and I won't ever be the same person that I was when I walked into the storm, but that is the beauty of the scar.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.